Humbled

We finally got the Alpha Lipoic Acid yesterday (Tues).  I received two infusions yesterday and one this morning..we are back on track.  9 infusions to go...prednisone down to 20mg.  My kids have LOTS of questions about the "hole" in mommy's hand, the "water" and how fast it is dripping...they touch EVERYTHING which drives Susu (my mom) crazy because it is contaminating her sterile field.  They are so sweet to gently hold my fingers and kiss the IV tubing....again...driving susu batty.  Oh, and Taylor (2 year old) announced this morning that he "needed that needle in his arm... 'i sick too'"  We think he has a raisin stuck up his nose, so we need to tend to that first, then we will see about a needle in his arm!

On a different note, I would like to thank all of you for supporting me through prayer.  I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to me during this time to know that the power of prayer is at work on my behalf.  We know He will hear and answer our prayers (Psalm 86:7).

If you know me at all, the "limitations" my disease process has put on me is extremely humbling.  I am one who does not like to seek help and certainly don't like to ask for it.  My husband caught me tying my shoes with my teeth not too long ago and now makes sure they are tied every morning before he leaves...my parents have recently taken over that role in his absence while on a business trip.  How humbling is that?  They thought they had that skilled covered when I was 5, right?  Gripping is an issue for me.  I use my hands pretty darn well, heck, I own a food business (where I am the only employee) which I consider my "therapy" because it feels good to move my hangs around to limber them up, but have lost strength in my grip.  I love it though and look forward to cooking in the future...pain free!

Another example...sitting in a movie....my dad and I saw a movie while in New Mexico and when it was over we both moaned as we ascended from our seats.  He said, "Don't you get so stiff sitting in movies?"  I replied..."Yes I do!  Uh, Dad, I don't mean you any disrespect, but you are also 35 years older than me."  Again...humbling to feel 70!  Learning to ask and accepting help is a skill I am working on.

I have never been angry at God for my RA, but I have asked the question....Why me?  I don't have the answer to that question yet, but I am learning more and more everyday during this period. We are given "trials" in our lives to teach us in areas we fall short and to allow us to grow closer to our Creator.  The opportunities He uses vary, but they nonetheless get our attention.

First, I am a bit of a "controller".  I like to think that I have it all figured out and forget to ask God what He thinks of my wonderful plans.  I don't think that God wants me to live in pain, however I think He is using my disease process as a wake up call  to remind me of HIS plan for me.  (I must be REALLY stubborn for Him to bring me to this place, I guess I better sit up and take notice).  I need to listen and obey to His plan for me.

Second, I do believe He is using me during this trial to encourage others.  My desire is to bring Him glory and point to Him in all that I do.  He has given me a positive attitude and a personality that is "upbeat", so I tend to wear a smile throughout just about anything, including pain.  I don't mean to pat myself on the back when I write that because I want to give God the credit. So many people have approached me in the past couple of months to ask me if everything is ok.  I have tried to not bring attention to my RA so many didn't know I struggled with it, but nothing like 40mg of prednisone, 20 lbs of weight gain and a glorious moon shaped face to bring out those gentle questions...he he he.   However, people have told me during these last couple of months that they are encouraged by my attitude regarding my health and it has helped them with health situations they are faced with...it is my opportunity to point to HIM.  He is the only reason I could have been so positive.

Off the record...I have been a total basket case these last two weeks, and I am so glad He has taken me out of the paths of those needing encouragement (I think He has, but He is so awesome and knows no limits so I guess He could be using me even now in my lowest moments).  I cry about every 10 minutes, which is SOOOO not me, I am usually rock solid when it come to emotion...which makes me laugh and confused at the same time.   I have new neighbors in my subdivision and I have passed their house about a dozen times before I left for New Mexico intending to stop and introduce myself, but every time I drove by....i was crying...didn't want them to think that they moved in next to the crazy, hysterical lady down the street. When I was home that one night before coming to Hot Springs, I ran to my other neighbor, who knows my situation, threw money at her and asked her to go buy them a gift certificate or something from her aloof neighbors.    I am blaming it on the prednisone....I blame EVERYTHING on the prednisone these days!

So I have finally come to the realization that my RA is in fact a blessing.  I am blessed because I can encourage others, I am blessed with a God who will not leave nor forsake me, I am blessed with the greatest family support system, and blessed with friends who care enough to pray for my healing.

Laura Story has a new song out that has great meaning during this time in my life.  I have included the lyrics below if you are not familiar with the song.  The blessings of my RA have definitely come as raindrops and the tears are ubiquitous as well as sleepless nights....all mercies in disguise as they lead me closer to the arms of my Father in Heaven!  AMEN!

Blessings
We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, Protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, For prosperity
We pray for your mighty hand to ease all suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come thru raindrops
What if your healing comes thru tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
And we doubt your goodness, We doubt your love
As if every promise from your Word is not enough

And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if your blessings come thru raindrops
What if your healing comes tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home…..

Cause what if your blessings come thru raindrops
What if your healing comes tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments,
or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?